Dear G-Spot is New York Times bestselling author Zane''s long-awaited guide to what she knows better than anyone else: love and sex.
Dear G-Spot includes real letters from real people, both women and men, who have sought Zane''s advice over the years -- the preacher''s wife worrying about being judged, the virgin, the guy next door, the gay man next door, the woman with low self-esteem, and the other woman with a sex drive over the moon.
In her own uniquely can-did and humorous way, Zane answers all your questions -- even questions you never thought to ask -- about making whoopee.
The hugely popular erotica author Zane gets right to the point: This is a book about fucking. This is a book about love, she warns in the aggressively defensive introduction (Do not start protests at your local library to ban me from the shelves) to this collection of letters she has received from the lost and confused in need of sexual advice. The chapters in her first nonfiction book are grouped around such useful topics as virginity/young love, sexual addiction, oral sex, dissatisfied lovers/lack of sex drive and how to make love to a woman. Zane writes with grim humor and uses explicit, slangy language that obviously resonates with her audience of younger, sexually active women. She encourages wild, no-holes-barred sex, but presents hot, monogamous unions as her goal. Dump him and find a man to respect you is her response to the women who complain of being exploited or cheated on by their lovers. Despite the out-there language, Zane''s advice is sympathetic and sensitive on every area of sexual confusion and difficulty.
(July)Correction: The pub month for Norman Pearlstine''s
Off the Record (Reviews, Apr. 30) is June.
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.
Zane is the
New York Times bestselling author of, among others,
The Heat Seekers, the Flava series, and
Dear G-Spot. Her television series,
Zane''s Sex Chronicles, is featured on Cinemax, and her bestselling novel
Addicted has been adapted for a major motion picture. She is the publisher of Strebor Books, an imprint of Atria Books/Simon & Schuster, and lives in the Washington, D.C., area with her family. Visit her website at www.eroticanoir.com.
Chapter One: Sexual Addiction
Sexual addiction is a topic very near and dear to my heart. When I first decided to write my novel Addicted, nearly nine years ago, it started out as a short story. At first, I was simply going to write a quick sexcapade about a woman screwing three people other than her husband. But the Zoe character fascinated me. I put the short story aside and decided it would be my first full-length novel. I wanted to study and find out what caused sexual addiction and not merely concentrate on her being a freak. I wanted to open the floodgates, so to speak, on why women cheat and the underlying causes of cheating. I also wanted to explore the difference between a nymphomaniac and an addict.
At the time, I had a male friend who confided in me that he slept with numerous married women. He knew that I was writing erotica, had read a few stories that set his boxers on fire, and wanted my opinion. He asked why women would be willing to do explicit things with him that they were not willing to do with their husbands. I did not hesitate when I answered, because it was obvious to me. They did it with him because they did not fear being judged by him, nor did they care what he thought. Their husbands and serious mates were there at home with them, the fathers of their kids, and men who could hurt their feelings if their sexual behavior was taken out of context.
I want to share a brief, real-life sex experience that someone recently emailed to me. Then I am going to ask you a question afterward.
I realize you must receive a ton of emails from people who believe that their lives portray parts of your books. Well, here is another one. Addicted is exactly like my life. I married my childhood sweetheart, had two wonderful kids, and I am cheating. Unlike Zoe and Jason, my husband and I live paycheck to paycheck. So do my three lovers -- two men and one woman. They have all fallen in love with my sex, and even though they knew from the onset that I was married, none of them want to share me with my husband. I made it clear that I was only seeking sexcapades with them. Only one of them truly knows me in the respect that I share my heart, my thoughts, my truth, and my lies with him. My husband loves me more than Jason could ever love Zoe, but I do have a sexual addiction. The sex is not good, but I am all that he knows because I was his first. Sex is too predictable for me when I have to instruct a man on what to do. That is my only reason for cheating on him. Other than that, I am fine, he is fine, and our lives are fine. Can you suggest anything? Possibly a sex therapist for us both or something?
You need therapy in the worst way, but I would hold off on pulling your husband into it unless you plan to tell him about your three other lovers. Like Zoe, you are playing a very dangerous game. Any law enforcement official will tell you that the most treacherous scenario for them to enter into is a domestic one. Emotions run high; no one is thinking clearly, and that entire "If I can''t have you, no one will" mentality often kicks in. You say all three of your extra lovers are sprung. You need to get them the hell unsprung and leave them all alone. I do believe you have an addiction and it will not be easy for you to walk away. That is why you must get help. Even though funds are tight, does either one of your jobs offer mental health counseling? Most group health insurance policies do offer it, with limitations. Check into that, and if that does not pan out, research your local agencies. You cannot give up on your quest to get help.
While you may not want to instruct your husband because of the sex ending up predictable, you have to do what you have to do to make things work. You could possibly rent or purchase some porn movies and watch them together to give him ideas -- ones that you are personally feeling and would like to live out in your own bedroom. That way it is not obvious that you are saying he is lacking. First things first, though. Go get help and let me know what happens.
Most of the emails that I receive are from women who I do not think are sexual addicts, like the ones below. However, the woman above does appear to have a serious issue with her sexuality and it could very well be an addiction. Like most addictions, sex is used to take away pain or to temporarily ignore it. If you are not in control of your life, but your life is controlled by your sexual urges, then you need to seek help. Many addicts -- to drugs, alcohol, gambling, or sex -- have to reach an all-time low before they admit to even having a problem. Sometimes that can be deadly and too late. That is why it is essential to get immediate help as soon as you recognize the symptoms.
What are the symptoms of sexual addiction? Experts vary in their opinions about this, but some things seem agreed on by most. One, when a person''s sexual behavior gets out of control, whether that means actually engaging in intercourse or watching pornography. If every waking moment is spent thinking about fucking, or actually fucking, it all means the same. Two, if your fascination with sex has started to trickle over into your family life and you are not spending time with your kids and mate. If you are constantly cheating on your mate for no apparent reason, other than fulfilling an actual need. Three, if your sexual activities have gotten you into trouble at work or, heaven forbid, with the law. Four, if you have tried to stop doing it and cannot or your sexual urges constantly grow in intensity.
Here are some common examples of how addictions relate to one another:
A crack addict does not go home for days at a time but lies up in a crack house doing drugs and not thinking about his friends and family members or the possibility that they are worried sick about his whereabouts, wondering if he is alive or dead.
A sex addict does not go home for days at a time but lies up in the bed with a lover or goes from house to house of various lovers to satisfy her sexual urges. She does not call home or worry about what her husband and kids are thinking.
A gambling addict goes to Atlantic City and spends his entire paycheck on the slots or trying his luck at poker. He takes out a loan inside the casino and loses all of that as well. He has no idea how he is going to pay his mortgage because he does not even want to go to work; he just wants to be there gambling.
A sex addict calls in to work sick for days on end; instead she stays at home and leaves only to go to the local adult shop to purchase new sex toys. She cleans out her savings account to purchase pornos or she runs up a tremendous cable bill by ordering pay-per-view pornos. She lies in bed all day, playing in her pussy with a rabbit, a dildo, and working anal beads in and out of her behind. She has orgasm after orgasm but still feels a tremendous need no matter how many times she climaxes.
An alcoholic drinks in private, trying to hide the fact that he is drinking at all. He sits in his car or office after hours and turns the bottle upside down, searching for that ultimate feeling from an external source. He goes to a bar one night and drinks for three hours straight. When the bartender refuses to serve him anything else but coffee, he becomes irate and attempts to punch the bartender''s lights out. The police are called and he is arrested. He is ashamed to have to call his wife to come bail him out.
A sex addict hides it from her family. She might not even have a regular sex life with her husband because he cannot give her that rush, that chemical stimulation to the brain that having sex with strangers does. She goes out to a club one night, in this really skimpy dress she changed into in her car. She grinds her ass against a man on the dance floor for an hour and then asks him to fuck her out in the alley. They are out in the alley, fucking against the brick siding of the building, when suddenly they are blinded by a flashlight and then red swirling lights from the top of a police car. They are both arrested for committing a lewd act and she is too embarrassed to call her husband to come bail her out.
All of that is sad, but it happens every day throughout the world. Addiction is when you know you should stop something and you want desperately to stop but you cannot. This applies to drugs, sex, gambling, shopping, overeating, smoking cigarettes, alcohol, and many other things.
What causes sexual addiction? Most times, there is more than one contributing factor. Often something tracing back to childhood is the root of the addiction. Some of it traces back to being exposed to pornography at a young age, or being molested or somehow sexually traumatized. It is a "progressive disease" and not something that pops up overnight. After I wrote Addicted, having zero experience with sexual addiction myself, I was stunned at the number of women who approached me via email or by falling into my arms crying at book signings. Women who had ignored their issues for a long time -- sometimes decades -- and who now planned to get help before they turned into my main character, Zoe. Women who loved their husbands but could not stop what they were feeling and/or doing to self-destruct both themselves and their marriage.
There is nothing wrong with being sexually healthy and craving to be active on a regular basis. However, if you find yourself masturbating three times a day; putting sex before work, family, and responsibilities; living on the internet on porno sites or watching pornos the first thing in the morning and the last thing at night; having numerous affairs; or engaging in dangerous or illegal behavior, you might be an addict. You should get help immediately.
I truly believe I am addicted to sex. I was married for four years and separated for two of those years. During the end of our relationship, the thought of having sex with my hu...